Archive for June, 2010

Killer Lasagna

Lasagna is my favorite. Especially at my mama’s. So when she told me she would be having me over for lasagna dinner on July 13th, I was understandably excited. We all marked our calendars. Then the other day I was leaving her house when I saw her daily planner:

Lasagna + Kill. She’s not exactly diabolical with her scheming, having posted it on her public wall calendar and all, but I was suspicious nonetheless. So, I casually asked her what the “plus kill” part of her day might involve on the 13th, and she got all flustered and mumbled something about it being related to my nephew Killian, who nobody has ever called “Kill” in his life (although “Killer Miller” is going to be the coolest nickname ever when he eventually enters the highschool sporting arena). I nodded in acknowledgement and got the hell out of there.

Is there an antedote to poisoned lasagna?

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Animated Friday (May All Your Wildest Dreams Come True Edition)!

I just had to post this because it just makes me so damned happy:

Happy summer! Happy Friday! Happy 2010! Happy Happy Happy!

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For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Caribou Coffee has some gimmick right now where you write the answer to the question “What do you stay awake for?” on a post-it and stick it to the counter to share with your fellow patrons. 99% of them say “my kids” or “Jesus” and so they are pretty easy to skim through while you wait for your Iced-Tea:

I kept reading this one over and over at the coffee shop this morning because it sounded so awkwardly written and I wasn’t sure I understood it. Especially the “Joe Our Boy” section. And I kept reading the goofy looking Gs as being 6s. I even had to say it aloud a few times to see if I could parse it out. Then suddenly the letters J-O-B stuck out. And then I solved the rest of the puzzle:

I suppose it may not have been intentional and it’s just my own filthy mind? Either that or someone is a total closet perv. I think it might be the old guy in the corner who is NEVER not here and gives me creepy looks all the time. It kinda reminds me of this photo that circulated the web a couple weeks ago:

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Reasons to Celebrate

Little baby K-Mack/C-Minus/Kroggy is here. Her name is Lily and she’s almost as super cute as her uncle danny. She will make a good accessory.

It’s really strange. There was no baby, and now there’s a baby. Weird. I can’t really wrap my head around it or fathom the transition. I love holding babies, but I was a little more concerned with the condition of the mommy, and maybe a little  too infatuated with asking about the condition of her tored-up hoo-haw. Sometimes I’m blissfully unaware of the ettiquette in certain situations.

 But that’s not the only reason to celebrate. Did you hear?

As of July 1st, Subway will officially start tesselating their cheese.

I think it goes without saying – and without hyperbole – that this is the biggest victory for sandwich enthusiasts in all of recorded sandwich history. I will definitely be ordering a 6-inch BMT on July 1st with a big beaming smile across my face.

And for that reason, and without any power invested in me, I declare Thursday July 1st to be Tessellated Cheese day, and I encourage everyone to celebrate with their own favorite 6-inch, or even a five dollar footlong if you really want to relish in all the tessellated glory.

Victory is ours! See you at Subway!

Oh, and congratulations to the Kroggys. She really is almost as cute as me, and much better than a 6- inch Subway.

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Dapper Danny 2010

I want bowties to come back. And I don’t mean just for proms and limo rides. I mean casual bowties. I had to learn how to tie it from youtube, but I think I pulled it off with panache. Would it be weird to show up to a client meeting in a bowtie?

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Your Daddy Likes Big Butts,
and He Can Not Lie

I was fortunate to get this email with some helpful suggestions for Father’s Day gifts:

Big Juicy Butts for Dad

Even if one might suspect that one’s dad might be in to this sort of thing, it must be a very special relationship if one feels that it’s appropriate to buy The Big Butt Book for their papa. But far be it from me to judge. Go ahead and indulge your father’s naughty side, if you can do it without shuddering.

They also offer The Big Breasts Book and The Big Penis Book, so really, they have the catalog to cover all of your father’s fetishes. Thank you, Taschen!

On a related note:

Ass Nachos

Wait, whose ass? I need more details because this may or may not be a great offer, depending. I know for a fact that a proper nacho plate is typically larger than my own ass. But what if I were one of the girls featured in the book mentioned above? There would be nacho shortages for sure. So, although it may sound like a sweet deal, I’m going to have to dig into it a little further I think.

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Animated Friday (Typing Test Edition)!

If you describe this animated GIF, you will get a good lesson in typing as it will guide your fingers through ever single letter of the alphabet:

My dad made me take a typing class in high school , which now sounds really strange. Who doesn’t know how to type? All I really remember about the class is the ginormous mechanical typewriters and that all of our practice correspondence letters were signed off: Cordially, Dee.

I don’t know who Dee is or why she wrote so many letters for us to transcribe, but now I can type that phrase really fast.

Cordially, Dee Cordially, Dee. Cordially, Dee. Cordially, Dee. Cordially, Dee. Cordially, Dee.

See, that took me like 5 seconds.

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Long Overdue

K-Mack, otherwise known as C-Minus, otherwise known as Krissy-B is super-preggers and officially past her due date. So to ease her and her husband’s nervous anticipation and to reward their impatience, I have generously photoshopped what their offspring will most certainly look like. It didn’t even take much imagination, just a few collaged photos and a little trick I learned from the late great Conan O’Brien’s “If They Made It” segments. Even though we do know for a fact that at some point, presumably around nine months ago, they did indeed make it. So with the magic of the internet, I present to you the not-yet-born baby K-mack/Kroggy.

As another gracious gesture of generosity, I’ve also taken the liberty of updating birfday.net for use as their personalized online birth announcement for when the actual blessed day arrives:

http://www.birfday.net

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