Archive for category Totally Random but Decidedly Awesome

New Product Alert: Gold Coke

I know that Brussels is very proud of its Manneken Pis fountain, but there’s gotta be a better way to promote your product in Belgium, Coke. There’s just gotta.

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No Commentary Needed

speared

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Inspiration

I’m mean for laughing so hard at this, but the soundtrack is just too perfectly timed. :(

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Nested

A couple years ago,  I posted about the creative failure that is the set of blank nesting dolls that has been sitting in the back the closet for over a decade. Then last year, when I had way too much to do and absolutely no free time to myself, I got a random bee in my bonnet. So I hauled my ass to Michael’s craft store and came home with $40 in cheap paint and brushes. Six or so months later, I have my own little monster family of hand-painted nesting dolls.

What is that you say? It’s a little odd for a 36-year-old man to paint himself some wooden dolls with which to play? Just wait until you find out that I named them and gave them all back-stories as well.

Milford
Milford’s just a working stiff. He’s got a wife and four kids to feed, after all. He hates his boss and he carries the lunch his wife makes him to work in a pail every day. Milford is just a nickname, though. It was secretly given to him by his seemingly unassuming wife, who lovingly refers to him as her M.I.L.F., where the “M” stands for “Monster” rather than the more-commonly-used “Mother.” His real name is actually Mumford. So he likes coming home to Ethyl.

Ehtyl
Ethyl might look meek and slight in demeanor, but she rules the roost. Don’t mess with Ethyl. Also, she’s clearly a dynamo in the sack. She wears her kerchief as a homage to her Russian heritage.

Junior
Junior is either the waddling toddler of the family or the mentally-deranged uncle, depending on my mood. Either way, a lot of drool is  involved, and the shenanigans always start when someone’s watchful eye is distracted long enough for him to sneak out the porch door and terrorize the neighborhood.

Missy
Missy is sixteen. She’s hot, but she knows it, so she’s also a bitch. Which is why she’s named Missy. All Missys are bitches, hot or not. She’s grounded right now, and her boyfriend is the boss’ son. He’s a buffoon but at least it irks good ol’ dad.

Nana
Ethyl’s mother is just visiting from Scottsdale. Milford can’t wait for her to leave, but Missy likes having her around, because she pays for fast food and takes Missy’s side on everything. Little does Missy know that there will be no trust fund for the kiddies, though. She’s left all her monies to some conservative church that hates abortion.

Pete
Pete’s a brat with a Justin Bieber haircut. No one pays him enough attention, what with that bitch Missy, her non-stop drama, and a baby in the house…

Ruff and Mee-Yow
Ruff and Mee-Yow are the family cat and dog. Their back-stories mostly consist of eating the local wildlife and pooping in weird places.

Sweet-Pea
Sweet-Pea is the newborn baby. His back-story also happens to feature pooping in weird places, but he’s also the reason Nana has come to visit, which is the only reason Milford can tolerate that woman’s presence for more than five minutes at a time: at least he can get a solid 5 hours of sleep every night with her help, ferchrissakes.

Skull
Skull exists only because I don’t have the skill or dexterity to paint at such a small scale. But I imagine he makes a fun chew-toy for the dog and cat.

So now I can check that task off my list once and for all, and finally open my closet door without the looming judgement of a blank set of nesting dolls. Phew.

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For Your Entertainment/Stress Relief

I made these for myself, because I needed to let off a little steam, but feel free to toss around some douchebags for awhile if you want:


Falling Rick Santorum


Falling Mitt Romney in his Temple Garments

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9 Comments

A Kickass Christmas 2011

It’s that time of year again to bust out the xmas jams.

This year’s KAX mix tracklist goes something like dis:

1. Angels We Have Heard on High by Sarah Jackson-Holman
2. Tiny Tree Christmas by Guster
3. Deck the Halls by Pomplamoose
4. Sweet Bells by Kate Rusby
5. Ain’t No Chimneys In the Projects by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6. Just What I Wanted for Christmas by Bing Crosby
7. Joseph, Better You Than Me by The Killers
8. Do You Hear What I Hear? by Pink Martini
9. Silent Night by Katie Herzig
10. The Christmas Waltz (Remix) by Nancy Wilson
11. White Christmas by Lounge All Stars
12. Frosty The Snow Man by Ella Fitzgerald
13. In the Morning by Jack Johnson
14. Angels We Have Heard On High by Future of Forestry
15. Little Drummer Boy by Erin McCarley
16. Xmas Cake by Rilo Kiley
17. Winter Night by Little & Ashley
18. Christmas by Teddy Thompson
19. Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Allo, Darlin’
20. Mrs. Claus Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me by Little Jackie
21. Mistletoe And Holly by Frank Sinatra
22. Up on the Housetop by Pomplamoose
23. Fruitcake (Remix) by The Superions
24. When the Leaves by Ingrid Michaelson
25. This Will Be Our Year by OK Go

This year I was surprised to find a Bing Crosby song I’d never heard of before, where he sings about a lovely paisely muffler that is just his type. It doesn’t get better than that. And I’ve wanted to put that Rilo Kiley song on my xmas mix for years, but I always decided it was just too weird and depressing for the hoi polloi. Finally this year I thought “Eff that, I’m putting it on there and they’ll eat it and like it.” So it’s on there.

Early feedback is that the remix of Fruitcake by The Superions is the most unappreciated track, but I stand by my decision. I like to pump my fist and shout “…green ones too it’s Fruitcake!” at the top of my lungs. It feels real good. Other than that, the songs are pretty solid this year. I allow my taste in music to stray into twee territory when it comes to Christmas, but I suppose that’s just the nature of the beast. I defy you to not enjoy it.

Oh and the mix tape themed cover is a direct ripoff of this gal’s work. I just updated it planetdan xmas style.

If you want the tunes, I could point you to where they could be acquired if you email me and ask fawningly. Maybe. And you gotta email me. You can’t just post a comment or I won’t have your email address, you dig?

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Sexy Halloween Time 2011

I just can’t resist perusing the new crop of “sexy” Halloween costumes that comes out every year. I used to be disgusted yet fascinated. Now I’m just giddy with anticipation come October. Here’s some of my favorites for 2011:

Sexy Childhood Male Icons
Sexy Willy Wonka, Sexy Cat in the Hat, and Sexy Marvin the Martian, all male childhood icons, and all here to confuse you about what’s happening down there in your downstairs.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Unicorn
Seems a bit juvenile to dress up as a mythical animal worshipped by twelve year old girls, but I guess the phallic headpiece makes up for that.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Twix Bar
Are we really doing this now? Sexy food items? What’s next, sexy loaf of bread? Sexy mustard bottle?

Sexy Mustard Bottle
Okay, game on.

Sexy Tin Man
Tin man was the gayest dood in Wizard of OZ. At least she’ll appeal to the latents. If she only had a brain.

Sexy Belle from Beauty and the Beast
This one was almost a normal costume until they had to go and jack up the front, as if someone just yanked the cord on a bad set of curtains.

Sexy Seal/Dolphin
WIthout the head it’s hard to tell what animal this is, and neither would be the worst animal to fetishize, I suppose. But wearing this, you’re begging for seal noises and flapping arm-fin jokes.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Skunk
Wait, wut? I guess at least you could flatulate all night long and just claim that you were really owning the role.

Sexy Beaver on Wood
Subtle.

Sexy Chinese Takeout Container
Ain’t nothing sexier than a greasy fast food container. I know whenever I find a Chinese Food Menu hanging on my doorknob…

Sexy True Blood Waitress
Timely trends are always a bad idea. In five years this is going to look like nothing more than a white T-shirt and a blue mini. Oh wait, it is nothing more than a white T-shirt and blue mini.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Clockwork Orange
Nothing sexier than a bit of the ol’ ultraviolence.

Sexy Bomb
Well that’s a flattering silhouette. Also, maybe a tad too counterproductively chastity-beltish.

Sexy CrazyTime
I have respect for this one cuz it don’t pull punches. These bitches be crazy.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

That’s it! Can’t wait for 2012!

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Outside My Window Right Now

The view from my home office.

Me no likey. :(

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Adventures in Optometry!

Following is a list of words and phrases that I had not expected to hear from my optometrist today:

  • Assault Rifles
  • Robots in Space
  • Dog Shit
  • Pedophiles
  • Semen
  • Singularity
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
  • Dismemberment
  • Bipolar
  • Dandelions
  • Chinese Space Tourism
  • Chick Flicks
  • “An Army of Hubbles”
  • Private Jetliner
  • You May Need Glasses

And yet, all of those were uttered some time during the course of my 15 minutes appointment. Made reading those little letters a lot more interesting, though.

That is all.

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Awesome Sauce

SO, I’ve received a few comments about how planetdan has been puttering out, and it’s obviously a little true. Mostly, I’ve kinda started to question the purpose of planetdan. Not in an existential way, but more in a practical/content-driven way. I like to communicate and tell stories, and I like to make new friends online through my blog, but as the internet has evolved over the last nine years, I feel like I’ve kinda lost focus.

Planetdan was started as a way to keep in touch with my family and friends and to share fun stuff I found online. Then I started to create some original content and eventually I made some new friends, and in the meantime planetdan became a big disorganized hodge-podge of anything and everything.

But the internet has millions of blogs by billions of people and I don’t feel it’s necessary to post random stuff anymore. There are plenty of blogs out there that do that better and more often than I ever could. Plus, my own personal life hasn’t been very exciting lately, so I couldn’t mine that for new material either. I wanted to think of more original content to post but it was tough without a focus to reign in any ideas.

Retiring planetdan was never an option, but I decided I wanted to go a new route: evolve and diversify. And so while some of you think I’ve been blogging less, I’ve actually been blogging more than ever over at a new site with a new focus and an actual declared purpose: OSMsauce.com

It's pronounced AWESOME SAUCE.

It’s a simple concept. I was tired of pessimistic malcontents complaining about how humanity is doomed and how everything sucks when there are clearly a million awesome things out there that can make you stupidly happy if you just take the time to view them from all angles. So I decided I would think of one awesome person, place, thing, or concept every day and write an essay about why I think everyone should appreciate it. Sometimes I purposefully choose things that are decidedly not awesome just to act as the devil’s advocate. This means that the perspective can get a tad snarky or skewed, but basically, you can put a positive spin on anything if you just look at it right. People can even submit ideas for what they think should be featured as awesome or under-appreciated or decidedly not awesome, and maybe I will spin it for you. It’s almost a challenge: is there anything that can’t be spun in a positive light? Probably, but I certainly won’t admit defeat so easily.

I suppose the theme of the site is: unless you are living under a bridge or breathing your last breath, then you need to quit your bitchin’, because things are way more awesome than you are giving them credit for, and eventually things always get better, even if they get worse first. Plus I also get to promote bands and movies and books that I like. Cuz I’m an expert at having opinions.

I’ve had to scale back my ambitions a tad, though. Posting daily was far too time consuming. But I’ve been doing pretty good, posting at least every other day or so. And with each post, the site’s purpose gets more refined.

So planetdan will revert to its original purpose, which is to inform friends, family, and random internet acquaintances about what I’ve been up to lately or what fiasco has transpired at the gym. But obviously it won’t get updated that often because I’m just not very interesting these days.

I may also spin off another site devoted more to random original content I might feel impelled to create, like my old Senior Pics site and the like. But I don’t want to think about that endeavor right now.

So please visit OSMsauce.com and get OSMified.

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Not-So-Sweet Deal!

C-Minus sent me this not-so-perplexing image the other day, along with the message:

U forgot ur scarf at my house. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it warm.”

I hope she thinks that playing that joke on me was worth the price of a new scarf.

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Sweet Deal!

C-Minus sent me this perplexing image the other day:

The only rational, non-idiotic reason this sign would exist would be if it were advertising a sale on actual plastic toy quarters or something, for playing with a toy cash register perhaps. But even then, spending fifty cents on a toy quarter would seem absurd, especially when you could just use a real quarter and save fifty percent.

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Animated Friday (Xmas Gif Edition)!

I haven’t had an Animated Friday in a long time, simply because they have begun to lose their allure. There are a ton of sites devoted to animated GIFs out there, so what’s the point of me posting them anymore? But then I came across this site, which renews my love of Animated GIFs by literally repackaging them for xmas:

So, go ahead and open your Christmas GIF.

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File Under: Too Drunk To Care

A few years ago I went to a wax museum in Las Vegas while I was a little tipsy and took some admittedly obnoxious photos. Then I dedicated a web photo gallery to the whole experience. It never got much traffic on my site, but over the last few months I’ve been getting a lot of emails and comments from people having seen my photos on other websites. So I went and googled “Drunk Guy at a Wax Museum” and it looks like my image set has been making the rounds on dozens of sites across the globe.


File Under: Too Drunk to Care

All of these sites are basically vultures. They just go around stealing other people’s content without any citations or links back to the original authors, most likely for the ad revenue, but also sometimes to deliver computer viruses, which is why I spent three hours removing the Antivirus Action Virus from my machine the other day (which is also why I’m not naming any of these other sites, because I don’t want the same thing to happen to anyone else). That sucked, but it was fun seeing my face on sites in China and India, surrounded by language which could have been calling for fatwas against me, for all I know.

The content theft doesn’t bother me all that much, since I’ve posted my share of uncited content, and since that’s kinda the nature of the digital beast. Plus, most of those vulture sites get a lot more traffic than my little blog has ever received, which means they also get a lot more comments. And it’s always fun to read what other random internet people think of me and my photo buffoonery:

The comment that tries to curse me with the haunting of dead celebrities is pretty awesome. That one took some effort. Here are some from another site:

I guess the “look at me” generation is better than “Generation X” or whatever. Reality Bites, man. But I do have my defenders as well (I apologize in advance for the language. Apparently I have some fans on the Jersey Shore.):

Allow me to repost that as text, to make it easier to read so that everyone can appreciate its eloquence:

i agree, this guy looks fun as fuck ! also, bitches need to shut up! always fuckin cryin about something i swear. i wanna play with the boys why are the boys mean wahhhh!! stfu !!!!!!!!!!! im a heterosexual girl and i cant stand a bitch boy omg! ……………………………………….boys are fun! shut up! playing w/ boys is fun!! go away if you want to make your fucking female points .. so irritating….. you know seriously, this is why women get no respect. because of your fucking whining everytime you try playing with the big kids man. this is the fucking internet… i dont know you people and i dont care about your whiny female feelings ! honestly! theres shit you girls say sometimes on here -funny as fuck- but then i gotta look at the whininess .. lovely. rubber dog turds was correct. the boys laugh it off, the girls have to cry . i wonder what delights will be said about this, if it isnt too late. what shit will be said by the girls for my complaints here… considering im also a bitch…. i wonder………

Again, sorry for the language. The rampant vulgarities are clearly nothing more than a symptom of her unrestrainable passion. And although that part about rubber dog turds is a little out of nowhere, I agree with her sentiment completely: Bitches be trippin’. And the one reply to her comment was totally cruel and unwarranted:

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A Kickass Xmas 2010

This is the day that I unveil my new 2010 Kickass Xmas Mix, bust out my Xmas decorations, and start drinking early. The mix this year is an eclectic one. And yeah, it’s got The Cast of Glee and The Wiggles on it. Big whoop. Wannafightabouddit?

It also ends with what might be the best version of Auld Lang Syne I’ve ever heard in my whole life. I made a Snowdan for the cover, and he’s catching snowflakes on his tongue, which I know is a tad creepy in a cannabilistic General-Cinemas-animated-Pepsi-cup-drinking-herself-before-a-movie kind of way, if that makes any sense, but doesn’t he look like he’s having fun? You would be too if you were listening to this amazing mix, which you could be if you just emailed me and asked me real nicely about how one might be able to do so:

1  I Wish It Was Christmas Today : Julian Casablancas
2  Deck the Rooftop : Glee Cast
3  It Snowed : Meaghan Smith
4  Caroling, Caroling : Nat King Cole
5  Joseph, Who Understood : The New Pornographers
6  Joy To The World : Sufjan Stevens
7  Get Down for the Holidays : Jenny O
8  Christmas Is Coming Soon  : Blitzen Trapper
9  Happy Joyous Hanukkah : Indigo Girls
10 Step Into Christmas : The Puppini Sisters
11 Jingle Bells : Wayne Newton
12 Zat You Santa Claus : Ingrid Lucia
13 The Christmas Song Song : Rocky and Balls
14 No Christmas for Me : Zee Avi
15 Round & Round : Frank Sinatra
16 Christmas TV : Slow Club
17 Calling To Say : Serena Ryder
18 Little Drummer Boy : Meaghan Smith
19 A Party For Santa Claus : Lord Nelson
20 Christmas Time Is Here : Family Force 5
21 For You Who Fear My Name : The Welcome Wagon
22 Angel In the Snow (Xmas Mix) : Elliott Smith
23 Our New Year : Tori Amos
24 Ding Dong Merrily On High : The Wiggles
25 Auld Lang Syne : Pink Martini 

MERRY XMAS SEASON!

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